My dear Lakhbir,
I refer to the BBC news article on Condoms 'too big' for Indian men, alas, basically a wretched survey report on the … er … long & short of Indian 'tambis'.
I am sorry to learn that you’re somewhat … er … diminished. I understand how you believed you have been short-changed … er … I mean … cheated by that survey. Don’t let that information
Indeed I question the 2-year survey by the Indian Council of Medical Research involving a sampling of some 1,200 men in India which found that condoms made according to international sizes have been too large for a majority of Indian men.
Yes, I realize that you are depressed because the study found more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms. Hey, cheer up Bhai, the other 50% are still OK and could well be still ... er ... maharaja-ish!
OK, some practical recommendations have come up, including a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.
Damn the scientists for even checking that their meagre sampling (er …btw, I meant for the word ’meagre’ to apply to the sampling, and not your 'tambi') was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers, which means the brothers in Punjab were not excluded from the … er … stunted status.
Hmmm, I wonder whether the gradual switch by the countrymen from a diet of milk, vegetable masala, paratha, desi ghee, Mah Di Dal and Saron Da Saag to modern cholesterol-conscious petite diet of Italian olive oil, salmon and Thai jasmine rice had brought about the … er … contracted state? Or would it be the whiskeys, beers and bah-kut-teh?
The Indian Council of Medical Research had been cruelly ruthless in declaring, what you would have considered as, its trifling finding that 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.
This is not only outrageous but embarrassing when Bhais, especially in Malaysia, are supposed to be Big, Strong and … well, you know what. But Lakhbir, do tell me, your best pal, confidentially whether the reputed size of Bhai's ding-a-ling had been an exaggerated and inflated fable all this while?
I read that Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, said there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.
The worrying and very serious aspect in this ... er ... downsizing consideration is that one in every five condoms used in India either slips off (oops) or tears (due to loose fitting), with an extremely high failure rate. And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.
But hey Lakhbir, no worries mate, Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim, has encouraging news. He said Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally.
He stated: "It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters. From our population*, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.”
* wow, does this mean that the Chinese must be monsters in the erotic department
But what about the Godzilla philosophy you've often quoted, that "size matters"?
Maybe for an improvement to your 'tambi' you need a dietary reversion from jasmine rice to chapati!
See you shortly … er … I mean … soon.
Regards,
kt
p/s You have known me, your childhood pal, for years as kt (Kay-Tee) but in your depressed, dejected and … er … diminished frame of mind, my signing off as 'KT' may be insensitive on my part as you may come to believe I'm ribbing you by suggesting it stands for King-size Tongkat. Sorry.
***
Lakhbir Singh replies!
05 January 2007
My dear Kaytee,
Ji, you bloody rotten ar$*h()le. You will never change, will you? My father warned me years ago to watch out for that naughty 12-year old Chinese boy, namely you! Then you had the bloody cheek to inform the old man you wanted to marry his 19-year old daughter – hehehe!
Mum and Saroj thought you were sweet and cute in your infatuation with sis. KNN, you didn't even have pubic hair and you wanted to marry Saroj; and boy, was the old man pissed off with you – I told you my dad wasn’t one to take jokes but mind you, you weren't joking as well.
Anyway, what the f**k is this blogging bullsh*t on the long & short of 'tambis', where you questioned the countrymen’s size. The moment I landed in Penang, my brother (with a bloody grin) told me to read Kaytee’s posting.
That writeup has been an insult to your blood brother, moi.
Remember when we were kids and we sneaked unauthorized into the quarry for a dip in their pool. Yeah, trust you to drag me into your illegal forays in the village (as dad warned me), and of course you had to bring along two ah moi's. I can't even recall their faces but one did look rather sweet. Weren't they the farmer's teen daughters, you know the one whose rambutan trees we raided every year until we left school for KL?
Many people thought (and probably still do) you were shy but only I know the devil you were and undoubtedly are. And there we were by the pool where none of us had any swimmers, and it had to be you to suggest we skinny dipped.
I knew you manipulated the two lassies into that situation, angling to get them to strip. I have to admit I was highly embarrassed, mind you, not that I was worried about my … er … size.
I knew those girls were curious about how big the ‘Bengali’ one would be, and while they were staring unabashedly at me, waiting for me to remove my undies (no bloody way), you exploited the opportunity to quietly strip to your birthday suit behind their back and jumped into the pool – you bloody cheat.
Remember when the girls complained that they won’t strip unless I did, you bullsh*tted them I couldn’t because I might terrify them – very tua tiau lah, and by golly for the first time you weren't exaggerating, so I am a bit pissed off with your long & short of 'tambis'.
Till today I wonder how you managed to chong those ah moi's into the pool with you, you rascal. Oh, their sweet pearly white moons as they porpoised and gambolled with you, you lucky bastard. There were moments when I was prepared to discard my katchera and leap in as well, if my katchera then wasn’t in full operation to hide my 'full salute’.
But I don’t want to hear anymore bullsh*t about the countrymen’s size. As my family (save dad) and I have always treated you as an honorary countryman, I feel I can share with you the most inner secret of the Sikhs.
Some people think we only subscribe to the 5-K’s of kesh, kangha, katchera, kara and kirpan. But just for your ears only, we Bhais have a sixth K, and it's related to your posting. I want you to think of what it may be … hint … it starts with ko…
You work it out, Ji, you have always been naughty-smart.
By the way, Saroj sends you her love from London. She asked whether you’re still up to mischief, which I answered in advance with a 'yes'!
When you come to my house next week, please bring (I know you'd steal or help yourself) a bottle of your granddad’s VSOP Hennessey and we’ll talk the usual sam kok.
F**k you buddy – oh, don’t forget the ginger ale as well.
Lakhbir
p/s don't you bloody dare post my reply - my brother warned me you will.
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