What's in a name!

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

- Shakespeare - Romeo & Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Scene: An overseas government employment agency

Actors:
(1) Chinese Malaysian – Tan Ah Kow
(2) Agency officer – Bob
(3) Agency officer – John


Bob: “G'day mate, what’s your name?”

Tan: “Tan Ah Kow”.

Bob: “Please take a seat, Mr Kow”.

Tan {{Hmmm, Mr Kow eh?}} [slightly irritated]: “Thanks”.

Bob: “Now, Mr Kow, what was your first name again?”

Tan knew exactly what first name meant in a Western country, but given the dissimilarity with his Chinese name, pondered for a significant while before deciding to provide the equivalent to what Bob had in mind.

Tan [very reluctantly]: “Kow”.

Bob [slightly confused but pressed on bravely]: “Er … so your full name would be Kow Kow. or would that be Kow Ah Kow?”, remembering there was an 'AH' somewhere.

Tan felt his blood pressure rising steadily and pounding up a lovely Hiroshima-ish migraine, but he hung on, reminding himself the officer has been very polite and he should reciprocate.

Tan [exasperated, but still maintaining a calm voice but stated with exaggerated emphasis]: “No! My full name is Tan Ah Kow!”

Not surprisingly, by now, Bob became even more confused but valiantly attempted to salvage control of the conversation.

Bob [with dazzling smile]: “Got you, Mr Kow, your first name is Tan.”

Tan silently moaned {{karn neen nar, limpeh th’or hu-oih*, th’or hu-oih, TH'OR HU-IOH LAAAAAH!}}

* vomit blood (meaning, utterly frustrated)

Bob was of course right insofar as he perceived the sequence of Tan's name, but Tan knew that wasn't what Bob meant. By now, his frustration was on countdown to zero, but he exerted a supreme effort to avoid going ballistic, and to continue appearing polite and calm. However, he couldn’t help but grimaced, showing a pained look, and at the same time unconsciously clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white (not sure whether in prayer of desperation or suppressed anger); he was obviously losing the battle to control his frustrations when his trembling voice squeaked out a soft though near-hysterical rejection of Bob’s mangling of his name:

“NO, NO, Noooooooo! My name is Tan Ah Kow; my surname is Tan, my personal name is Ah Kow or Kow!”

Bob, by now alarmed by the client's sudden mood change into a state of near-amok, decided to abandon the Mother-Ship by the one-man escape-pod without warning the crew (Captain first, and women and children after me), replied swiftly:

“Yes sir, of course, I got you this time! Er … John, my colleague here, will attend to your registration. He’s the expert”.

And turning to John, who had been relaxing and drinking expresso café while casually listening to Bob’s struggle with Ah Kow’s moniker, said:

“Mate, help Mr … er … the nice gentleman … fill in the registration form”.

He slapped the form on John’s and immediately scooted off to another desk to bury himself with 101% attention in a blank piece of paper, pretending it was the United Nation Security Council Resolution 1441 that needed immediate translation from ancient Sumerian into very very simplified (kindergarten standard) American English for President Bush.

John, caught by Bob’s Pearl Harbour-ish sneak attack, nearly choke on his café but after some spluttering, sat up straight immediately while avoiding eye contact with a visibly annoyed Tan, and decided on the strategy of minimum dialogue interaction as the safest course.

John: “Mr … er … sir, just fill in those blank fields – here’s where you put your … er … first name, and here’s the space for your last name … er … and I’ll do the rest for you”.

Tan [with blistering look and voice dripping with sarcasm]: “You don’t want my address?”

John [embarrassed by his over-hasty omission] {{Oh f**k me dead! f**k! f**k!}}: “That too of course, plus any personal details… (weak smile) … that’s standard.”

Tan debated with himself whether it would be worthwhile spending some time explaining to the two officers the more than 4,500 year old structure of a Chinese name – surname, generation name and personal name – before proceeding with the form, but decided that would be too hard a task. He resigned himself to further sufferings.

On the other side of the service counter, John noted very carefully that Tan had no problem filling in the 'last name' as TAN, but hesitated for maybe more than 20 seconds before he penned AH KOW in as the 'first name'.

John thought: {{WTF, if he’s TAN AH KOW as he bloody claimed, and KOW being the bloody obvious surname, why did he bloody put TAN as his last or family name?}}

{{Doesn’t he bloody understand the meaning of the words 'first' and 'last'? And why did he bloody hesitate when filling in his first name? Well, obviously it couldn’t be bloody KOW - that’s his bloody family name, and what kind of bloody first name was AH anyway?}}

{{Hmmm, Maybe those poor pathetic pitiful Chinese Malays or, WTF matey, should it be Malay Chinese, don’t have first names? Maybe they just have numbers like those poor Jews in the Nazi concentration camps – you know, 12345 Ching and 67890 Chong, Ching Chong, hehehe … whoops}}

{{if this bloke can read my thoughts I am deader than a Chinese roast dick … I mean … duck in a rancid laksa!}} … struggling his utmost not to burst into uncontrolled giggles at his humorous reverie right in front of the client.

Tan [suddenly speaking up]: “What’s this 'mother’s maiden name'?”

John [startled from his day dreaming about Ching Chong and Suzy Wong]: “Er .. that’s your mother’s name before she married your … er … father”.



Tan [signed] thought {{WTF is my double-first at Oxford of any use here?}}: “I know what maiden name is! But why my mum’s and not my dad’s?”



This time it was John who debated with himself whether it would be worthwhile explaining to the Asian that dad’s name would be as bloody useless as an empty stubbie* on a Sunday BBQ because mums here change hubbies (and last names) faster than the colours on the side of a Rubic Cube in the hands of an over-energetic hyperactive primary school kid. The only name unlikely to change would be mum’s maiden name. {{Nah, f**k it … not worth the trouble}}.

* small (375 ml) bottle of beer


John: “Er … it’s the local culture … er … (weak grin) ... woman first and all that jazz”.

Tan didn’t believe a single word of what he said but decided: {{WTF, I’ll just fill this form and get the f**k out of here}}.

Meanwhile, Bob seeing that Tan was quietly filling in the form, sneaked a peep at the details entered, and smiled as he saw an opportunity to repair the initial damage that had occurred.

Bob: “Hi AH, hope you don’t mind me calling you by your first name. We are all mates down here in Oz, and everyone's usually on first name basis”.

Before Tan could recover from his shock at being addressed as ‘AH’, John chipped in.

John: “Yeah AH matey, none of those Pommie class conscious poppycock nonsense. Welcome to Oz, AH KOW TAN!”

By now, a frustrated and exasperated Tan decided to do a ‘Japanese’, namely, unconditional surrender to Aussie (lack of) understanding of Chinese name structure.

Tan: “Thank you”

... handed the form over, shook their hands and hurried off before further mutilations of his name caused his blood pressure to geyser.

Bob: "Phew, that was nicely handled by you, mate. What a bloody cock-up of a name, TAN AH KOW, and he’s denying KOW's his family name, and wanting to claim TAN as that!"

"Language barrier, that's what it was! John Howard certainly has a point in putting an English language test in the citizenship requirement, though I've always doubted the need to test the migrants' knowledge on cricket, which has no relevancy to citizenship other than it's Howard's personal obsession”.

John: “Mate, I am not too sure by now. F**k if I am not confused. What shall I file AH KOW TAN’s form under?”

Bob: “Why, as 'TAN, AH KOW' of course! And anyway, that’s how his name will appear in the phone directory”.

Related:
(1) Who is an Asian?